You look just fine from outside.
It is your soul suffering.
You are in pain,
Like a wounded animal.
Shot by life itself.
bleeding and dying.
It is a distant memory , your life as it was.
It passes through you as if you are watching a film.
You want it to stop and not change any further.
But you don’t want to go back either.
You are stuck and afraid, can’t be in the here & now.
When there was already so few that "sees" you, the real you
and you count one less lately,
cause death took one of your best people,
Without a goodbye...
It haunts your mind like it does for all at midlife,
calls you again and again,
from different place and faces,
until you pick up.
Reminding you that time only moves forward,
And that you can't stop time.
We are born. We live. We die.
You refuse to look into it's face.
You’re used running away and denying.
You try but this time you can’t.
Can’t breathe can’t focus can’t move on, in denial.
You are numb and hysterical.
The grief suffocates you, doubt stops you, fear corners you.
You want to "die", just to see her once again.
You have to answer the call finally...
When you finally look into the abyss ,
the death, the loss, the endings,
full of fear yet straight in the eye,
Finally it looks back to you and says;
It is gone.
All of it.
Finally you know what it means.
This little phrase was what you were looking for,
to find some peace.
To accept things as they are.
That it is gone.
You must die in one life,
Dig your own grave,
Make your own funeral,
To be born in another one.
You can’t stop life.
You can’t stop death.
If you thought you ever had another choice, you were wrong.
There is no other way.
It must all be gone. And it is gone.
And it is time to move on.
Only way is to forward.
Among the ghosts and haunted memories in the dark,
Until you are reborn.
June 6, 2021