Updated: Mar 20
Rest in peace...
Today I learned that you passed away. My mother told me over the phone in the morning.
I've been trying to reach you for the past two weeks.
It was peculiar that we didn't get to talk to you on my birthday but it didn't occur to me that you might be sick.
I just found your obituary online and shocked to see that it has been actually three days that you passed to a better place but I only found out today...
I don't know why my mother lied to me about the time you died, or why she never told me you were sick.
I am outraged that I didn't get to see you one last time or even didn't know you were sick.
I don't know why and how you died.
My mother lied to me - said that you died today and that she couldn't arrange for us to talk because it happened all of a sudden.
There is no way for me to know the truth grandma, as I am far far away.
When we talked over the phone with you, without knowing that it was our last time, on November 11, you were just fine. You told me you miss me and that you love me.
I am glad I called you that day. Without knowing that it was my last time hearing your voice.
Death is a strange thing grandma. Especially when you are living far away from your home country. I haven't seen you for almost 3 years physically. So now I am having a hard time comprehending that you are actually gone...
You remember, I attempted to set up a tablet to see you and video call you a while ago (even wrote about that here The Disease of Busyness, you remember?) which was sabotaged by my mother again, somehow. I didn't get it then. She has not been helping me at all to see you for some reason.
Maybe she was unconsciously punishing me for being abroad, I don't know.
It is a fact is that what she has done is unforgivable.
She took away the one last time that I could say goodbye to you from me.
I don't know why she did this to her own daughter.
and what kind of a mother does this make her?
But that's not the point of this letter grandma. It's about you and me. We will not let it steal this moment from us. Not virtually at least.
Now you are physically gone from this world. Forever. As surreal as it sounds.
Even if we come to Turkey at some point I won't be able to see you. That is one hard pill to swallow.
This is one of those times when I hate being an immigrant and choosing this life.
It looks shiny and happy from the outside but contains so many losses and sorrows...
I am not going to lie to you. The only reason why I would come to Turkey - if ever- was going to see you and so that you could see your grand granddaughter.
Now that you are gone I don't have any reason to come back.
Today I was thinking of you and our memories;
so many memories that are so fond, gentle, and full of love
You were the mother that I never had. You know it.
You were always there for me when I needed a hug,
I remember when we used to sleep in the same room and put together our beds so that we can sleep together, you used to kiss me to sleep.
I remember coming to your house every single weekday after 2 hours of commute when I first started to college just because it felt safe with you,
did I tell you that your house was the most peaceful house that I've ever been?
You remember when you used to tell me to fix the channels on TV and that only I can make it properly?
I remember you used to drink Turkish coffee with us, but only little because it made your heart go faster, but you still did,
We used to order food and drink tea with those cookies from the shop at the corner of the street across your house,
I remember the breakfasts we had when I was in high school. Summer breaks were fun because I got to stay at your place all the time,
Whatever we ate at your place tasted amazingly good, always! ( how did you do that?) The best cheese, best sucuk I ate, it was all at your place.
Also your love for your plants, and their love back for you... they used to thrive in your place no matter where they put them,
We used to prepared dumplings from scratch - do you remember how long it used to take to prepare the dough and then to bake them and freeze them? After all, we ate them all and sad that all effort was gone so fast...
So many memories that if I write down all, it would take me days...
I remember nothing but love when I think of you- unconditional love.
You have been nothing but kind to me
Forgive me for being so far away for so long. And not being able to see you for the past 3 years.
Or not being able to be there at your funeral...
If I were to know you were dying, I am afraid still I won't be able to come under these circumstances but if I were to see you one last time, I would have told you how much I love you...
You know what, you will be forever in my heart grandma.
Maybe today they took away the last time that I was going to talk to you, physically, but one thing they can not take away from me: your love towards me and how much I love you.
That grandma is one of a kind,
Something that people envy and I will never let them touch them.
You were a very special person.
Kind generous loving faithful and my grandma.
I am sure a special place in heaven is waiting for you.
I know you loved me and were proud of me. I will keep working hard and making you proud. I promise.
Last time we talked you told me not to come back to Turkey. That there is nothing to come back to.
That you are praying for us to be happy wherever we are.
I will take your word grandma. I am never going back. There is nothing to go back to anymore anyway.
I will make sure your grand granddaughter knows your name and one day we will visit your eternal place.
But not in order to feel close to you, because we don't need to be close to your body. Your ideas your love will forever stay with us.
You will be forever in my heart.
Rest in peace.